Thoughts on Properly Dating with an Eternal Perspective

Make no mistake about it. While dating can aid in the development of social skills, build friendships, and provide opportunities for wholesome entertainment, its ultimate purpose is to find an eternal companion. With that in mind, you must ensure that your dating is proper and does not deteriorate below the standards of the Lord.

(Photo via lds.org.)

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary. It's amazing how quickly the time passes. Though I cherish this day, Olivia and I both tease that this anniversary isn't the one that matters most. That one falls on September 21st, which is the anniversary of our Temple Sealing. The former was for time only. The latter was for time and all eternity.

One of my greatest hopes as a parent is that my children will be better than I was and am. Over the years, I have felt an obligation to be very pointed in the way that I teach them. The words of Elder Boyd K. Packer have been a guide to me as he often quoted from President J. Reuben Clark, Jr.:

"The youth of the Church are hungry for things of the Spirit; they are eager to learn the gospel, and they want it straight, undiluted. “You do not have to sneak up behind [these] spiritually experienced youth and whisper religion in [their] ears; you can come right out, face to face, and talk with [them]. … You can bring these truths to [them] openly. … There is no need for gradual approaches.”

I've always tried to apply this to my parenting. I think that my children will attest to this. And in my opinion, I think that its been a blessing to our family.

As I write this, my oldest daughter, Carolyn, is on a trip to meet the family of her newly found boyfriend. Her time of having a clock on her phone that counted down the days until she is to return home to North Dakota has ended. College life suddenly doesn't seem so bad to her any longer. Homesickness and depression are gone. I'm guessing it's no coincidence that these events all parallel each other.

This has caused me serious reflection. While I've had numerous discussions with my children over the years in regards to dating, I think now is an appropriate time to write down some thoughts in relation to properly dating with an eternal perspective in mind. And in light of the counsel given by President Clark and Elder Packer, I intend to give it straight and undiluted... to them.

Before we get into this topic, I want to remind my boys that the expectation of the Lord is that you prepare to serve a full-time mission. During the opening of the 2010 General Conference, President Thomas S. Monson said this to the young men of the church:

"... to young men of the Aaronic Priesthood and to you young men who are becoming elders: I repeat what prophets have long taught—that every worthy, able young man should prepare to serve a mission. Missionary service is a priesthood duty—an obligation the Lord expects of us who have been given so very much. Young men, I admonish you to prepare for service as a missionary. Keep yourselves clean and pure and worthy to represent the Lord. Maintain your health and strength. Study the scriptures. Where such is available, participate in seminary or institute. Familiarize yourself with the missionary handbook Preach My Gospel."

You owe it to the Lord to meet this obligation. As one who has served a full-time mission, I promise you that nothing will bless you more at this stage of life than serving the Lord in this capacity--- with love. But perhaps even more importantly, you will find that Heavenly Father can use you to touch lives that it seems nobody else can.

The same obligation to serve does not rest upon the young sisters of the church. Again from President Monson:

"A word to you young sisters: while you do not have the same priesthood responsibility as do the young men to serve as full-time missionaries, you also make a valuable contribution as missionaries, and we welcome your service."

The reason I mention missionary service in a blog post regarding dating is because I want my boys to have their priorities straight. It seems that far too often we lose our young men when they allow themselves to become smitten with lovely young women who don't hold fast to encouraging them to meet their responsibilities in relation to missionary service. This is why I'm a firm believer that you serve first and fall in love later.

In his masterful work known as "The Miracle of Forgiveness", Spencer W. Kimball wrote:

"Dating in the earlier teen-age years leads to early steady dating with its multiplicity of dangers and problems, and frequently to early and disappointing marriage. This too-young dating is not uncommon and is often done with parental approval. Yet it is near criminal to subject a tender child to the temptations of maturity. Early marriages, which are almost certain of failure, are usually the result of steady, early dating, whereas a proper preparation for marriage is a well-timed courtship." (pg. 223)

Thus the reason the church does not condone steady dating during this stage of our young people's lives. The current pamphlet known as "For the Strength of Youth" includes this admonition:

"You should not date until you are at least 16 years old. When you begin dating, go with one or more additional couples. Avoid going on frequent dates with the same person. Developing serious relationships too early in life can limit the number of other people you meet and can perhaps lead to immorality. Invite your parents to become acquainted with those you date." (pg. 4)

Make no mistake about it. While dating can aid in the development of social skills, build friendships, and provide opportunities for wholesome entertainment, its ultimate purpose is to find an eternal companion. With that in mind, you must ensure that your dating is proper and does not deteriorate below the standards of the Lord.

One of the biggest mistakes our young people make is the one they often justify as being "no big deal"--- kissing. Ask any student at one of the BYU campuses and I'm sure you'll hear a litany of stories on the subject. Yes, it's true. Many Latter-Day Saint youth seem prone to the idea that kissing is just a normal function of dating. It's unfortunate. Some dole them out like candy in a parade. This is a mistake.

Perhaps Elder Melvin J. Ballard, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said it best:

"It has come to be a sort of custom among many young people (I regret to say even among us), that they feel at liberty to promiscuously engage in embracing and kissing each other when there is no thought of anything serious so far as engagement or marriage is concerned—only the thrill they get. I protest against it and say to you that there is danger in it, and that the fire will burn those who play with it. (Conference Report, April 1929, 67)"

President Kimball was also very explicit on this subject:

"Even if timely courtship justifies the kiss it should be a clean, decent, sexless one like the kiss between mother and son, or father and daughter." (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, pg. 281)

There is wisdom in this. Passionate kissing stirs feelings -- both emotional and physical -- that are to be reserved for the covenant of marriage. There's a reason Elder Ballard uses the imagery found in the phrase "the fire will burn" when he refers to the indiscriminate "custom" of doling out kisses with no sense of anything but the "thrill" of it.

As a branch president and bishop, I had occasions in which I had to assist young people as they stepped onto the difficult road of repentance. Sexual immorality is a very serious thing--- in any degree. But not once did I have a young person confess to having broken the Law of Chastity, with another person, in which it didn't begin with passionate kissing.

On two occasions -- once as President of BYU and another as an Apostle -- Jeffrey R. Holland shared the following quote from two historians:

"A youth boiling with hormones will wonder why he should not give full freedom to his sexual desires; [but] if he is unchecked by custom, morals, or laws, he may ruin his life before he … understand[s] that sex is a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the group."

In his October 1998 General Conference Address, "Personal Purity", Elder Holland further explained why it's so vitally important to remain clean in matters of sexual purity:

"To give illicitly that which is not yours to give (remember, 'you are not your own') and to give only part of that which cannot be followed with the gift of your whole self is emotional Russian roulette. If you persist in pursuing physical satisfaction without the sanction of heaven, you run the terrible risk of such spiritual, psychic damage that you may undermine both your longing for physical intimacy and your ability to give wholehearted devotion to a later, truer love. You may come to that truer moment of ordained love, of real union, only to discover to your horror that what you should have saved you have spent, and that only God’s grace can recover the piecemeal dissipation of the virtue you so casually gave away. On your wedding day the very best gift you can give your eternal companion is your very best self—clean and pure and worthy of such purity in return."

Perhaps the best address I ever heard on the subject of chastity was given by Elder Gene R. Cook of the Seventy. It was called "13 Lines of Defense: A Guide for Clean Living in an Unclean World". Every young person should listen to it. In fact, every parent should too. While you can only purchase the audio version, Elder Cook did give a similar address at Rick's College in 1989 titled, "The Eternal Nature of the Law of Chastity". He includes his 13 Lines of Defense in it. They're worth listing here.

1. Never be 100% Alone.

2. Learn to Say “No”--- Plan it out in advance.

3. If Necessary, Run.

4. A Bit Will Hurt.

5. Obey the Word of Wisdom 100%.

6. Select Good Friends.

7. Avoid Pornography 100%.

8. Avoid Impure or Intimate Language 100%.

9. Avoid Natural Man Tendencies.

10. Select Wholesome Music.

11. Be 100% Modest.

12. Avoid Petting 100%.

13. Control Your Thoughts.

I promise you that if you abide by these 13 Lines of Defense you will always have the Spirit of the Lord to be with you. Indeed, you will have His blessing and the sacred protection afforded to those who honor their covenants and follow the admonition of His servants.

Another challenge our young people in the church face is the temptation to date nonmembers. The counsel from living prophets has been clear from the beginning on this matter--- we are to date, court, and marry within the church. This is difficult for those living here on the Northern Plains. Nevertheless, the expectation is the same.

This quote from Spencer W. Kimball is perhaps the most poignant example of what can happen when members of the church do not follow the counsel given on this topic:

"Many times women have come to me in tears. How they would love to be able to train their children in the gospel of Jesus Christ! But they are unable to do so because of religious incompatibility with a nonmember husband. How they would like to accept for themselves positions of responsibility in the Church! How they would like to pay their tithing! How they would appreciate going to the temple for their own endowments and to do work for the dead! How they wish they could be sealed for eternity and have the promise of having their own flesh and blood, their children, sealed to them for eternity! Sometimes it is men in this predicament. But they have locked the doors, and the doors have often rusted on their hinges." (Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 241)

One of my favorite books was written by Hugh B. Brown. While he was serving in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Brown wrote "You and Your Marriage". I highly recommend it. In fact, every young couple anticipating marriage would do well to read it before entering into the covenants associated with holy matrimony.

While Elder Brown passed away before I was even born, I've grown to love his approach to gospel topics. He was practical, straight forward, and full of wisdom. When I was a young man, I was fortunate enough to have some of his well-known speeches on cassette. His counsel is timeless. In "You and Your Marriage" he wrote:

"Too many make the mistake of thinking mere infatuation is real love. Too many rush into marriage with the first one for whom they feel an emotional, and often fleeting, attraction. Short acquaintance, lack of dating experience, and failure to use the head as well as the heart are responsible for the fact that approximately one-half of all marriages of girls under nineteen years of age end in unhappiness, separation, or divorce." (pg. 35)

It's not difficult to see that dating, courtship, and marriage are very serious things. We are in desperate need -- both in and out of the church -- for a return to good "old fashioned" values that were once dominant in our society. Involving the Lord in dating, courtship, and marriage is essential. As you do so, you will have the ability to determine the difference between inspiration, infatuation, and desperation.

In time, you may face the reality of needing to decide whether the person you've been dating is the person whom you should marry. The implications of this decision are eternal. Don't take them lightly. You must weigh all the factors involved. Again from Elder Brown:

"It is well for both boy and girl contemplating marriage to find opportunity to scratch the surface and discover what is hidden. Look for durable and permanent qualities, be not misled by camouflage. In marriage, which is life at work, the superficial is soon exposed; only the genuine can endure the hammer and chisel of married life. Young people contemplating marriage should compare notes on background, family idiosyncrasies, religious convictions and activities, lifetime habits, and national peculiarities, and ask frankly, 'Can we two become one?' or, speaking in terms of metals, 'Are we malleable?'... "If, in comparing notes before marriage, the couple who think they are in love find irreconcilable difference of outlook, ambitions, habits, or character, then the head should take over from the heart, and, if listened to, it will counsel caution. Neither fear of hurting the other party nor timidity in the face of unpleasant duty will justify rashness. Even if the couple are engaged to be married, if they or either of them discovers irreconcilable traits, then, even though breaking the engagement may cause embarrassment, sorrow, and heartache, it is better to cause a small wound now than to be responsible for two broken hearts later on. In other words, all who contemplate marriage should 'stop, look, and listen,' and then pray for wisdom to guide and courage to act."

I pray the Lord's choicest blessings to be upon you, my children. They are yours to claim through obedience to His commandments and by following the counsel of His servants. My hope is that you will catch the vision of how valuable it is to properly date with an eternal perspective in mind.

Remember who you are, keep your covenants, and date those who do the same.

Works Cited:

1. https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/32709_eng.pdf?lang=eng

2. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/as-we-meet-together-again?lang=eng

3. "Miracle of Forgiveness", Spencer W. Kimball

4. https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/ForTheStrengthOfYouth-eng.pdf?lang=eng

5. "The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball"

6. https://www.amazon.com/13-Lines-Defense-Gene-Cook/dp/1590386736

7. http://abish.byui.edu/reserve/E_Cook_Chastity_Talk.pdf

8. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-and-patricia-t-holland_inconvenient-messiah/

9. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/10/personal-purity?lang=eng

10. "You and Your Marriage", Hugh B. Brown